Cum for Me, Baby...Porn as Sexual Education

“Men are very goal-oriented. They believe in the hereafter. An orgasm is what they are here after.” Alan Altman

Dagny’s Entry [October 26, 2009]

Pornography. We need to talk about this because it’s both alleviating and creating problems for men and women. Now, I’m not going to get into the moral issues surrounding porn, if you want to debate the morality of porn we can do that another day. And don’t get me wrong, when I talk about pornography, I am talking about sex between consenting adults. Period.

The proliferation of pornography on the internet has meant that more and more people have access to it on a daily basis, and it’s being used as a kind of educational tool in many ways. Men and women who have not had sex, don’t know how to have sex, or want new sexual avenues to explore are accessing web-based porn as a means of learning what they don’t know. And this is great! YouPorn offers all kinds of free clips and movies — everything from professionally filmed stories to amateur home videos. These offerings can go a long way in teaching individuals about the act of sex, and in opening up new possibilities for sexual exploration. However, there is one thing that really bothers me about most of these videos — the men always orgasm,and the women rarely do.

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For the Ladies…Questions from Men

The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there’s a man on base. – Dave Barry

Dagny’s Entry [October 21, 2009]

A few days ago, WHAYTA posed questions from women for the men to answer. The men accepted the challenge and did their best to give honest answers, and I think we all learned a lot about what men are thinking when it comes to sex. We asked the guys to pose questions, and they did! What is interesting is that while women wanted to know what men are thinking, the men wanted to know why women do what they do. So ladies, it’s your turn to try and provide men with a chance to understand some of the reasons why you do what you do. Let’s see if we can’t continue to open up the lines of communication between men and women.

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D’ya Think I’m Sexy?…Women Ask Questions About Sex

“Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.” Andy Rooney

Dagny’s Entry [October 19, 2009]

Ahh, sex. You were wondering when we would finally get down and dirty about it, weren’t you? I’ve been reading articles in women’s magazines lately, and they’ve left me with a lot of questions. I’m hoping that the male readers out there can weigh in and give us some different perspectives on some of the most confusing issues related to sex. You see, women have lots of questions about sex, but we’re frequently hesitant to pose these questions because although we want the answers, we don’t really want you guys thinking about our questions while we’re having sex. Hopefully, these questions will give us the information we need. Answer as many or as few of the questions as you like!

Ladies? If you have additional questions that you’d like answered, feel free to post them or if you’re too shy, you can send them to the WHAYTA mailbox [whayta09@yahoo.com] and we’ll throw them up on the blog for consideration. Oh, and guys? Feel free to pose your own questions! We’ll do our best to answer them as openly and honestly as we can.

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Stripping it Down…Being Open and Honest About Things

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you cannot do. –Eleanor Roosevelt

Dagny’s Entry [October 16, 2009]

I have to a confession to make — blogging is difficult. Oh, I love the writing and enjoy the conversations that are taking place on this site; those things are absolutely gratifying. And while Francisco and I have absolute faith in the power of open and honest conversation, I have to admit something: the past few weeks have proven to be an interesting test of my overall life philosophy. You see, Francisco and I are what you might call “life-long learners.” We are educated people, but we’re also people who like to learn just because it’s something we enjoy doing. And let me tell you, this blog is all about the learning!

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And Please, No Penis Photos...

“My boyfriend used to ask his mother, ‘How can I find the right woman for me?’ and she would answer, ‘Don’t worry about finding the right woman- concentrate on becoming the right man.’”

Dagny’s Entry [October 15, 2009]

As we’ve been discussing in the last few posts, dating can be a tricky endeavor, and the online forum can do one of two things for people. It can offer them a kind of freedom that they might not have in a more temporal setting — like in a bar or at a party — but it can also prove to be more complicated to navigate since the element of actual human contact has been removed from the equation. Today I would like to offer some examples of ways in which men make mistakes online that often cost them the opportunity of meeting someone who might be of great interest. Now, before you get up in arms about the imbalance here, I want to say that I realize that women are part of this equation, and that they can make just as many mistakes as men do; however, since I have not pursued a woman online, I cannot speak to this experience. We will rely on our wonderfully forthright male readers to provide us with a view from the other side of the computer screen. Agreed? Thank you.

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Pussy Boys and Bitches...

““Words can sometimes be used to confuse, but it’s up to the practitioners of the study of language to apply them for good and not for evil. It is just like fire; fire can heat your house or burn it down.” Frank Luntz

Dagny’s Entry [October 13, 2009]

Many of the difficulties that arise in the area of communication between men and women come from the use of language. Now, this seems like one of those “Duh!” statements, doesn’t it? You are probably thinking, “Well duh. Dagny! Communication between men and women involves language, so of course that’s where the misunderstandings occur!” I wouldn’t blame you, if that’s what you were thinking. However, I think that the problems often times arise not specifically because of what we say, but because of what we imply when we use particular words. It is the meaning behind the words that gives us fits.

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That's What Ted Bundy Said...

Better a thousand times careful than once dead. ~Proverb

Recently, I had an email exchange with a man on a popular [and reputable] online dating site. He began the conversation simply by asking “How are you?” and I responded politely [for those of you who have read about my coffee date interaction, it will be reassuring to learn that I am polite when approached with respect]. He began flirting with me, and I enjoyed it so I flirted back in a way that let him know that while flirting is fun, I was not in the market to be a sexual conquest. He got progressively more forward even though I thought my responses [and my personal profile on the site] indicated that aggressive sexual pursuit would not work with me. When he sent an email that said, “You look like you’d be a fabulous lover.” I wrote back, “Well, that depends entirely on the level of trust established.” He responded, “You can trust me, I’m not here to hurt anyone.” And I responded the way I do in these situations when I feel uncomfortable, but am not sure what the man’s intent is, I said, “Yes, well, that’s what Ted Bundy said!” and I added a smiley face to the message so he would know I was being humorous. He angrily wrote back, “You’re attacking me. Have a good one.” I was mystified, and responded, “No, that was an attempt at humor, obviously having a sense of humor is an important thing. Sorry to have offended you. Have a good one.”

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Sympathy for the Devil...

“It is easier to lead men to combat, stirring up their passion, than to restrain them and direct them toward the patient labour of peace.” Andre Gide

A few things have happened over the past week that have gotten me thinking about the issue of peace, and how incredibly difficult it is to cultivate and sustain it. I’m not just talking about the fact that U.S. President, Barak Obama, was awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday, I’m also talking about relationships between men and women. Many people are criticizing the decision to award President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize because they feel he hasn’t produced cold hard results in the area of peace, and this is a valid point. Normally, individuals earn awards for doing something concrete; achieving something that can be measured in terms of monetary value or human life. The Nobel Committee awarded President Obama for something that can’t be measured in economic terms; they gave him the award for offering people around the world hope.

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Lesbians...Why One Man Wants to Be One

Some men use humor in ways that really ought to have the women seeking them out. This young man wrote this little gem on an evening after having had a few drinks, and we think it’s extremely funny and very interesting. Not only does this young man make fun of himself, but he makes fun of the stereotypes that define “masculinity” in order to make a point about what he’s looking for. The young man who wrote this did not wish to be credited, but we did speak with him and received his permission to post this [for those of you who are concerned about copyright laws and such]. Oh, and we’ve left this posting in its original form because editing would have ruined its humor.

Enjoy!
Dagny & Francisco

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The Truth Will Free...

“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you angry.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.


Men and women both claim to want “truth” from the opposite sex. We rail against those we find deceitful and accuse them of “game playing,” and if we accrue enough experiences with people who fit this description, we begin to label all members of one group or another as dishonest. It’s not true, but blaming someone else feels a lot better than taking a cold hard look at oneself and asking questions that might lead us to the truth about ourselves. This happens because we’re human, and because facing the truth about something — particularly about ourselves– is difficult and scary. Truth asks us to open ourselves up for possible hurt and/or rejection. Truth requires that we take a look at all of our own assumptions and beliefs. Truth means that we shed the protective layer that covers our ego in order to honestly assess the situation. The truth hurts.

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Mmm, mm DAMN!....

“Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” Oscar Wilde


I’ve often wondered what men are thinking when they compliment women. Sometimes the compliments are wonderfully original, and sometimes, well, let’s just say that sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth closed. I think genuine compliments are absolutely wonderful. They have the power to lift spirits and reinforce a great mood, and not just for the receiver, but the giver as well. We should all pay each other compliments more often, seriously. However, sometimes it might be better for some men to just appreciate a woman in silence.

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Talk, talk, talk about it... Gendered Styles of Communication

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep afterward.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Dagny’s Entry [October 5, 2009]

Recently Francisco and I had a discussion that brought out some incredibly strong emotions and resulted in me actually getting mad enough [about the issue, not at Francisco] that I needed to walk away and calm down. What got me so stirred up, you might ask? Well, dear readers, I think this was yet another case of male/female gendered communication in action. I had forwarded Francisco a link to a posting that I thought he should read because it made me feel sorry for the guy who had posted it because I could relate to his feelings. Francisco read it and replied that he thought the guy was a whiner and needed to get a clue about the fact that he was the problem. And this is where I got upset.

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I Hate You... Now, Can We Have Sex?

Dagny’s Entry [October 4, 2009]

Recently, I read a posting on a public site that had the following subject line: “Ladies listen closely, no BJ on the first date = no second date.” The author of this post went on to detail [in quite graphic terms] his feelings about women in general and what it was that he expected in exchange for having “blown hard earned cash and listening to your bullshit” all evening [I would have given you what he wrote, but unfortunately -- or fortunately, if you are a woman in the Washington DC area-- the post was removed]. All I could think as I read this was “Wow, a hostile man who expects oral sex in exchange for dinner? Why that’s every woman’s dream date!”

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Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

“I am not an angry girl/But it seems like I’ve got everyone fooled/Every time I say something they find hard to hear/They chalk it up to my anger/And never to their own fear.” ani difranco

Dagny’s Entry [October 3, 2009]

I recently had an interesting conversation with a group of people who are roughly 20 years younger than myself. We discussed the mixed messages that men and women get about sexuality, and I found the discussion extremely enlightening in a number of ways. It also deeply troubled me because it underscored the ways in which social norms become so deeply embedded in the individual’s psyche and result in people doing things that they don’t necessarily want to do simply because they’re expected to do them. I think what bothered me the most is the fact that I could clearly see how both men and women want to do things that might go against what’s expected of them, but they don’t because they’re afraid of being labeled by others.

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He says he'll call... and then doesn't...

Why the hell do men say “I’ll call you” and then don’t?

Ladies, we’ve all been in this position. You meet a guy, spend an evening flirting, laughing, and maybe even groping each other a little. He walks you to the subway or your car, you might even make out a little on the way or once there. Hell, he might even invite you back to his place for a little after hours fun. Regardless of where the evening ends, you think you’ve had a good time, and he indicates he’d like to see you again by asking you for your number. You give it to him, and then he says it, “I’ll call you.” And you take him at his word...

Come read the rest of the exchange between Dagny and Francisco -- it's getting heated!
What the Hell Are You Talking About?